whomanoj.com

The background :
For about 20 years of my life … she has been on over my mind and thoughts. Tried very hard to forget her…. could not. Remined myself several times that she is a story that is over and I have a family to look after… but dil to paagal hai. The heart would just not listen.

For 10 years since we departed… we never saw each other, knew almost nothing about each other from each other (except for the fact that I had met her child once.) In 2007 2 years ago I realized that she has moved into an office just a mile away from mine.

I thought of letting her know that our offices are just 1 mile apart.For two  years I carried this thought but, never had the guts to do so.  An associate of mine (who insists on calling himself my ‘fan’)… cajoled me several times that I at least sent her the letter to express my goodwill. I simply  ignored him.

In mid march, around the 10th anniversary of our seperation I saw death very closely… during a raid where we caught 250 snakes I was almost bitten by a venomous snake. And then I was attacked by a crowd.  I asked myself… will I ever let her know my feelings. If life ends abruptly… will it end without I being even able to say… “Kavita… I wish you all the best in your life… and am glad that you have fought it out and reached here the hard way.”

I was earlier told by several well wishers… that I should end this cold hatred with a positive feeling. I decided to send her the greeting, and I dropped them into her office without making any noise. I really made it clear in my message that I wanted silence to be the only language between us.

Weeks later, she called up and expressed her desire to meet me. I shouted back at her rudely told her “do not trouble me”. I really did not wish to be arrogant but I did not want her to come close to me again. I had taken a lot of pain to get out of her memories and I did not have the strength to face it again.

Later I felt that I was wrong… I can not be so cruel… no matter what she did to me…. she deserved an opportunity to be heard. I finally sent her a text and apologised for my arrogance.

This opened the Pandora’s box… calls, emails, messages and three meetings. Things I wanted to avoid ….. but I just did not want to break her heart, and not to hide…. that its not easy to turn down someone whom I had loved all for 20 years.

I tried to explain her hard… that I wanted to see her grow… but I want to be away from it.  I could guide her, encourage her… but I just did not want too much of direct involvement in it.  She insisted that she did not want to learn anything without me being present. An issue we could never reach an agreement on.

We met once for a long meeting… where she cried out for hours,  seemngly apologized for what she did. I never got an answer on why she did, what she did to me. I still don’t know why for 10 years of my life… she made me feel that  she really loved me as much as I loved her…when she really did not love me. And if she did really loved me then, why she destroyed me the way she did? Why she saw me get destroyed and enjoyed the sight? Why she would enjoy seeing me cry and beg to bring back the old days? Why was so “cold, impersonal and insensitive”?

Why, when we were to marry… when our families had got excited about the marriage, she rejected me. Why did she claim to the world that she never loved me… it was I who was forcing her into a relation. Why she destroyed the respect I had taken years to gain?

She cried hard for hours, at times hugging me, telling me how much she regrets what she did and she simply doesn”t want to loose me again.
And for some days I also felt that she actually meant what she said. Soon, I realized that I was made a fool, for the second time.

As I went for the vacation to Shimla I got a shocking news on my return… her mother called me tell I should not ever meet Kavita or call her or email her. It was hard to digest… but I thought it was a reality I should accept…  Irrespective of whether I like it or not. I only made one request… let us depart in style.

Our last meeting :
I knew one thing… if we had to separate out… it has to happen in a royal way… in a manner that is not devoid of the celebration that my life is all about. I had imagined that she would also regret this departure as much as I did.

So I spent 1 day in preparing for a “send off” . I booked a conference room at one of the best hotels in Pune,  to cut a cake, opened a non-alcoholic ‘champagne’ and departed. But I really could not believe what I saw… I met the same Kavita I had seen 10 years ago. Cold, impersonal and insensitive.

The last meeting hurt me a lot… not because we parted… but because I  saw the same coldness from her. I almost felt that I was taken for a ride. Once Again I was an object of entertainment. For 10 years she lied to her family about our love and got me humiliated. I was hoping that at least she will keep her promise and tell the truth she hid for 10 years.  At least once I will be able to tell her family that I was not a roadside romeo. But all were empty dreams.

I saw no sorrow in her eyes, no regret in her words or no distress in her actions.  It looked as if for her nothing had happened.

I had taken days to arrange the event for her… and she was looking at her watch… as if  for her it was just another formality to complete.  She met me for a stipulated time and coldly left as the clock ticked 2.00 PM. She graced the meeting for exact 1 hour…  not a minute more. She only wanted to talk about herself… without giving a damn to what happens to me after she has left.  I failed to see any regrets for leaving destroying an emotional balance I took years to achieve.

The aftermath :

Now that we have parted, it is hard to do anything without thinking about  her. I have to try hard to prevent tears rolling down my eyes.  www.manojandkavita.com remains “error 401 : forbidden”

Everyone is feeling that I have lost touch with them… lost in my own world. Its so hard to accept the fact that I am not even able to be natural  to my lovely daugther… It really hurts when I am unable to be a papa she loves to see. I still feel all my wounds, and they all seem to have become fresh again. I find it hard to start believing that friends do exist and they do look beyond their own interest. I will find it still harder to trust anyone in my life as a friend.

I know time is a great healer… I know nothing can stop me from being the success I am known to be. I know it will not be very long before I would be back celebrating my life. I know I will be soon conducting some of the most impressive animal rescue acts. I know I will continue to grow in my business. I will be soon off to newer adventures.

Today I am blank… lost… unconvinced that my life will ever be normal again.